Once upon a SLAP!

This is not a true story but the elements in it are true.  On the weekends I worked for a guy doing landscape maintenance at a couple of condominum associations.  What follows is a daydream sort of episode that I had based on prior experience with this one lady tenant.  Here is how the daydream went:

She asked the lawnmower guy to tell his boss to trim her shrubs and fill in the holes that were left from a shrub that was pulled up a year or so ago.  After a month goes by the lady asks him again and he tells her that he told his boss, but the boss hadn’t said anything to him about what was going to be done.  When he mentions it to his boss again his boss said that he would take care of the shrubs, but the dirt request needed to be submitted to the condo association president.  Another two weeks go by and then she puts a green garden stake in the middle of the grass covered hole as a “reminder”, or so he guessed.  The lawnmowing guy  lets it go for a few weeks but eventually it just gets to him.  So he knocks on her door and when she answers he slaps her across the face and then goes back to mowing.  She is stunned and doesn’t know what to do, so she calls the cops and he ends up arrested.  She decides to sue him as well.

At the trial he does not have a lawyer.

The only evidence he brings is a picture of the lady’s landscaping.

The lady contacted the paper and had the story published. She has been telling all her neighbors how horrible of a person he was.  She complained constantly about how her face hurts and was bruised from being beaten.

The lady continues going off in court as the charges are read.  The judge gets her under control and asks if the defendant has anything to say.  He tells the judge, “Your honor, I am as guilty as a monkey caught with his hand in a coconut with the top cut off and peanuts inside it, but I would like to approach the bench to tell you why I did it.”

As the crowd in the courtroom snickers (some understand that a monkey who finds peanuts in a coconut will reach in, grab the peanuts, but not be able to get them out because their fist is to big for the whole AND they will not let go of the peanuts to try a different method) the judge asks that they quiet down, and says  that the defendant can approach the bench.  When the lawnmower man gets to the bench he hands the judge the picture.  The judge looks at the picture and then at the man, he is quizzical.  The lawnmower guy proceeds to explain.  He tells the judge all that had happened up until the point that he slapped the woman.

“That day, your honor, I looked over into the landscaping and saw this ceramic rock with this beautiful scripture on it at this woman’s condo.  I had seen it many times before and every time I wondered how she could have that ornament and be like she is.  I figured the best thing I could do was to keep my mouth shut and just get physical.  So I rang her doorbell and slapped her something fierce right across her left cheek.  Then I went back to mowing figuring all was now well in the world and now here I am.”

Well, the courtroom had gotten quiet as the gentleman was relaying his story in a not so soft voice.  Again, snickers could be heard coming from the audience.  The old hag was turning as bright red as an over-ripened tomato.

Well, now it is your turn.  How should the story end?  Was she red from embarrassment or anger?  Was the lawnmower guy found guilty or innocent?  What was the sentence?  Did the lady apologize or did she continue to be an old bat?  Finish the story for me.  I will post what I think it should have been next week or the week after depending on responses. Oh yeah, what was the scripture on the ceramic rock that the lawnmower guy found so beautiful?


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2 thoughts on “Once upon a SLAP!

  1. mom says:

    I think the scripture was “turn the other cheek”. I think the the guy will be found guilty because of it being our laws. But I also think the woman is embarrassed but still mad as being called out.

    This was an interesting story. I have another idea. Maybe she put the stick in the hold to let people know not to step there so they wouldn’t break a leg. Just a thought. It is an old woman.

    • Keith Wadley says:

      Good response, Mom. See that is what I debated forever when all that was going down. Do I just keep moving forward and not worrying about it (which is what I actually did). But the lady was so bitter every time I saw her that I had to get out the alternate scenario that I wanted to play out. She would stop and get all angry about her stuff not being done even though I told her who to talk to in order to make the request official. She said she couldn’t talk to that person because of some tiff they had over a cat or something like that. She was just an angry old person who couldn’t see that her misery was caused by her and nobody else. She was letting other people control her reactions.

      The space where the hole was located was about 4′ by 6′ and you could see the hole without any issues. I mowed it every week. Never had any trouble with it. She put that pole there to remind us about the hole. She might be an old woman, but she is an old bitter woman.

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