I have been far too tired to post as of late. Each Sunday I would sit in front of the computer to write and nothing would come to mind except for the desire to sleep. So I would shut off the computer and go to bed instead of racking my brain for morsels of philosophy, theology, and whatever else is tossing around inside of my quagmire of a brain.
We have not been to church except once since Thanksgiving. There are numerous reasons for this. First and foremost is the lack of desire on my part to go. I have been reading the Bible almost daily. I have been praying off and on over the weeks for various things. However, praise has been sparse. If you are experienced with this sort of doldrum then you know that praise of God for various things, His character, grace, etc… is one of the fastest ways to get connected to your Maker. It is not so much the ego of God that you are stroking, but it is kind of like when you tell your parents thanks for the various things they have taught you and given you over the years. It makes you teary-eyed and leaves you feeling good about life. It is also about perspective. I have digressed and need to continue on with the main point of the post.
I am a cultural Christian. More than that, I am a product of American Christianity. What do I mean by that? Disillusionment, lack of conviction, the inability to live in God’s grace-much less understand it (due primarily to a lifestyle that is centered around seeking praise and rewards for my performance – work, marriage, family, etc…), desiring more than the fluff I see in other Christians, but not willing to take the step to go to that next level myself. It is not a fear that prevents me from doing it, but a selfish desire to continue living life comfortably, or as what I think is comfortable.
I read somewhere about the unwillingness of man to change unless his environment changes and forces him to go in a new direction. They related it to an old hound dog sitting on a porch trying to sleep. The hound dog is lying on a partially protruding nail that is just irritating enough to prevent sleep, yet not irritating enough to force the lazy dog to get up and move to a more comfortable spot for a really good rest. That is me. I am sitting on a slightly protruding nail trying to get comfortable for a really good rest. It is never coming though. Not so long as I am unwilling to change positions. Sort of like the classic motivational book Who Moved My Cheese?. I am not moving on to where the cheese is so I can get fed. I am looking for it in old places long after I know it has left and is not coming back.
Currently I am wrestling with various issues regarding the various books of the Bible and the doctrine of infallibility and inerrancy. I am not going into this right now and I a may never post about what I find because I have wrestled with this before and probably will again. Suffice it to say this, no where in the Bible does it tell me that I have to believe that the Bible is directly from God in order to believe in the resurrection of Jesus and the good news message that he preached: repent for the kingdom of heaven is near, whatever that means. Repentance leads to “right” living and “right” living leads to joyful living – but not freedom from suffering physically, more like freedom psychologically and emotionally (and this is critical because this is what I am refusing to go towards, joyful living).
Anyways, lots of wrestling left to do. I am going to look through a couple of books from my apologetic’s classes to see what I can come up with: To Everyone an Answer (2004) and Across the Spectrum (2002).